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Truths to accept for a happier working life in the office

Wednesday, 18 May 2005 | link | tag | / Jokes
  • Don't work for short people.
  • Never apply for a job that has exclamation marks in the advert!!!
  • Left over food from meetings will provide you with the greatest thrill per dollar value in your entire working life.
  • If you are male and get your haircut, however respectable, you will be the subject of ridicule for the following day.
  • Asking for leave, even if you are entitled to it, will provide you with the greatest pain in your entire working life.
  • Don't listen to anyone who tells you different, it is true that the higher up the chain you get, the less actual work you do.
  • A couple of lagers after work is a far more effective way of teambuilding and bonding than any expedition to climb mountains, any shooting people with little balls of paint or any 'game' involving teams in coloured clothing. Unless you are allowed some beers afterwards.
  • Don't work anywhere that doesn't have a pub within walking distance
  • Sometimes the purpose of meetings is just to remind everybody what it is everyone else does.
  • Of all the meetings you attend, at least 98% will be utterly pointless.
  • The number of people in a meeting is inversely proportionate to the worth and effectiveness of that meeting.
  • Anyone who doesn't drink, however nice they are, should not be trusted.
  • The more someone uses phrases like 'out of the box', 'imagineer' and 'blue sky thinking', the less they actually know what they are talking about
  • Anyone who says their job is 'based on relationships', does little of consequence
  • If someone has worked in a company for more than 10 years they should not be trusted
  • Always carry your CV on a diskette in your pocket
  • Beware; 'over performance' is a phrase that always matches with 'rod for own back'
  • Pay peanuts, get monkeys.
  • The Accounts department will have the most over-inflated view of their importance and sense of humour in the office
  • The Sales department will have the most over-inflated view of their individual worth in the office
  • Managers will have the most over-inflated view of their popularity in the office
  • HR will have the hardest job making up stuff to look busy
  • Marketing won't even pretend to be busy, but will hide behind a veneer of 'science' ('that looks quite nice, but maybe a little to the left?') that 'you wouldn't understand' (we can't explain in a convincing manner) and are always in 'brainstorms' (forwarding emails to agencies to do the work for them). That is until a recession hits and they go 'travelling' (go to Ko Samui to get pissed).
  • Over the last 15 yrs the role of the "secretary" has gone from 'those who type' to "PA's" 'those who manage the entire business when the boss is absent'. The same thing happened when Stalin took over the Politburo. Beware the PA.
  • The greatest use for email is to facilitate office banter without the hushing.
  • Google images. Brilliant.
  • You'll always get a little thrill out of coming back from the loo to find you have that little envelope symbol in the bottom right of the screen
  • Photocopiers will keep getting bigger as everything else gets smaller. Soon the office will be placed inside the photocopier.
  • Accept it, it's like the tides or the setting of the sun, there is always someone in the office who gets away with 25 sick days a year, but if you have one Monday off you WILL be taken to task
  • After you have resigned and left a company you will be blamed for everything that goes wrong for the next 30 days.